god, so I have been so absent from my website, got distracted by actual gigs and life. But apologies. I’m back for a bit, but rest assured I have been v busy performing here there and everywhere. And next week I look forward to performing for the first time in Luxembourg! at the Konrad Cafe & Bar, 14th & 15th. yeh v excited.
then I’m off to the Stavanger comedy festival! 21-22 nov and to Oslo 23-24th. None of this will improve my tan.
At the Manchester Comedy Store last night. On telling the audience of my stroke, a woman shouted out, “you can’t have”. When I asked why not, flattering myself that she thought I was too young, too thin. “You’ve got odd socks on!” I only hope she was not in the medical profession.
“What’s the prognosis Doc?”
“Well everything would point towards a stroke, but it can’t be. Look what socks he’s got on.”
If only there were some magic protective socks, to deliver me from harms way.
“Are you going out Markus? what without your odd socks on? Are you crazy!”
So it’s been a while since I last spoke on this. Partly tardiness, but mostly because I had a STROKE! Blogging wasn’t top of my to do list when I woke up partially BLIND!- on May Day. Too bloomin’ right MAYDAY!!!!
Typical bloke, I left it for 3 days, before going to the optician, who tested my eyes before saying, and I quote- ” I don’t want to alarm you but you should probably go to hospital NOW.”
No, that didn’t alarm me at all. Why would it?
I said- “Is this gonna get worse? ”
He said,” I’m over here.”
Oh there’s plenty more where that came from. In fact today I went to see the heart surgeon, who want’s to operate on the hole I have in my heart. I have a broken heart ladies..what needs a mending.
As part of DEATH; SOUTHBANK CENTRE’S FESTIVAL FOR THE LIVING , I’ve been asked to do my new show, which premiered in Edinburgh this autumn, so it should be ready by now!
A STROKE OF LUCK
‘Controversial, witty, hip and silly – made me laugh so hard it hurt.’ BBC
Life begins at 40.
Then you have a stroke.
It’s about Life, Love and Death.
It’s about laughing in the face of it all.
It’s about an hour.
It will be a great show. Please do come and watch and enjoy.
I have just returned from doing shows in Mumbai. Or Bombay. I thought you marked yourself out as one of those ‘it was better when we were in charge’ types by calling this amazing city Bombay, but that’s what all the locals call it. Who am I to disagree? Actually, I wonder what it was like when we were in charge? Tidier I expect, more efficient, no doubt. More stiffs around, definitely.
As cities go, it probably does a good job of suggesting the ghost of christmas future. You can bear witness to the gulf between the haves and have nots that is surely in all of our xmas futures? Gigantic gleaming skyscrapers sit side by side with slums that would make a bin-man wince. I say side by side, rather it’s as if these hi tech, cathedrals to capitalism stood in something unpleasant and can’t quite wipe it off. Honestly the place really could do with a spring clean. It looks a teenage boy’s bedroom. Don’t touch anything and hold your nose oh yee who dare enter!
And yet somehow it’s very beautiful. Colours and smells and sights you could never see round my way, wink at you round the piles of shite and detritus.
And everyone is still smiling! How do they manage it? We Northern Europeans live in a comparable Eden and yet there’s not a grin between us. Stunning!
Well there’s to be a new royal wedding next year. It’s not that I don’t wish them all the best. Though far from a royalist, I quite like William, he seems alright. Unfortunately it won’t be just about him and his chosen bride. His personal romance is inevitably going to be hi-jacked by ‘them’ in an attempt to drum up national pride and divert attention away from the economic car-crash we’re in .
I once asked a man who told me he’d been married for 32 years, what the secret of a long marriage was. These were his exact words. “all the big decisions I make, all the little one’s the wife makes.” Worrying I’d suddenly been beamed back to the 1950’s, I asked what did he mean by ‘big decisions’?
He replied ‘ I don’t know, none have come up yet!”
Here’s some observational comedy, it’s funny cos it’s true.
So the Pope’s here, on tour, and is due to play to almost as many people as U2. Apparently he closes big with a great routine where he bums a child. Of course not, that’d be ridiculous. He just turns his back while someone else does.
It’s funny, cos it’s true.
The Pope’s position on this scandal- ignore it, hope it’ll all go away. It’s much the same as my position on the Pope, and U2, but sadly it hasn’t worked.
So he’s here, on his taxpayer funded trip. And he’s given us some advice. The German Pope, gave us, England, some advice. I was really hoping he was going to say, “Well you have many world-class players but you don’t play as a team.” But sadly he didn’t. What he said was, that we need to remember our Christian values. 12 million quid that cost us!
Ok, here’s my advice to the Pope. Do you remember your Christian values? You left them behind that stack of unopened child abuse cases, next to the Nazi gold.
That’s for free.
It’s funny cos it’s true.
What really scares me, is not that it happens, (tell us something we don’t know), but that it won’t stop millions of people believing in the Catholic Church. How is that possible? And yet next to no-one believes in climate change! What is the Catholic Church doing that the scientists aren’t? Perhaps if the scientists spent a bit less time leaking e-mails, and a bit more time leaking over children, there’d get more people on board.
It’s funny cos it’s true.
Ok, I apologise for this. I was forgetting my christian values.
Finding myself in a bit of England I didn’t know last night, I went for a little walk. Nothing was open, no pubs, no shops, no cinema. There was no-one about, no-one talking to each other, no interaction, no community. The only noise came from a tap-dancing class for 10 year olds. It wasn’t well attended.
Yet through the windows of the flats and houses, leaked the glow of huge HD and plasma screens. You didn’t need street lights, the tv’s lit up the neighbourhood.
It’s Life Jim, as we’re coming to know it.
As a comedian, you’re always being asked if you have any ideas for TV. Yes, stop putting 3rd rate, z-list, fame-truffling twats on to learn stuff they haven’t the wit or imagination to discover for themselves. But seriously, how about these,
1 Unarmed Bear-Baiting with Paris Hilton
Each week, Paris’s new best friend gets in the ring with a Canadian black bear. It’s a brief but fun program.
2 Afghanistans Got Talent
We trawl the country by tank, looking for the best it has to offer.
3 Simon’ll Fix It
A parade of 20 somethings compete to see how much of Simon Cowell’s viagra-bloated erection they can deep throat. Simon sits in the famous chair, smoking that famous cigar, a button for the trap door they’re kneeling on in one hand, a record contract in the other. Points for depth and duration.
Ok one last one.
4 A reality show, contestants survive on an island where their only source of information is reality tv, tabloids and gossip and lads mags. It’s called -I’m in Great Britain, get me out of here!
The leaders of our three main parties are all on the war path to Downing Street. So their speeches, body language and media appearances are all being dissected for signs of anything fishy. Today’s politics it seems, is not about what is said, but how.
The same is true in our lives. First impressions matter. We really do judge a book by it’s cover. With that in mind I’ve laid out some suggestions for making a good impression when meeting people.
1. Hello. How are you?
Start simply with this, but be careful. They will probably reply, ‘Fine, how are you?’ Don’t think this is a opportunity to tell them. Nobody actually wants to know how you are, and it’s considered bloody rude to tell them. The correct response therefore is ‘fine’, or ‘good thanks‘. You might recently have had your arm torn off, it would still be ‘fine’. You might have a tumor the size of a mellon, on your face, it would still be ‘fine’. At a stretch it might be- ‘bearing up’ or ‘mustn’t grumble’
To avoid this, some of you might be tempted to say ‘How do you do?’ Don’t be a spaz, you’re not Oscar Wilde.
2. The Weather.
Now, you might want to mention the weather. This is perfectly acceptable. We Brits get accused of being obsessed with the weather. We’re not gathering meteorological data. It is a very good way to ease into a conversation. An American might go straight in-”Hi I’m Bob from Montana, got 3 kids, 2 ex-wives and 1 ball.” This is not acceptable. We need to be more reserved. “hello, I’m British, I shall be divulging personal data over the next 20 to 25 years. Turned out nice again.”
3. Where are you from?
Slowly you’re uncovering more information. You might now advance to ‘where are you from’. But advance with caution. Never ask ‘where do you live?’ It sounds stalkerish and rapey. As if you’re about to say “I know you do, right by that badly lit park.”
4. What do you do?
Use only when completely floundering for anything else to say. Many people simply don’t wish to be defined by their job. I hate being asked myself. “A comedian, wow I’d never have guessed!” I hate that, particularly at gigs.
More tomorrow on HANDSHAKING and HUGGING.
Is it time to vote again? It’s like trying to choose a jumper at M&S. They’re all as awful as each other. I don’t wear jumpers, and I probably won’t be voting. If I do vote it will be to try to keep the BNP out, not because I actually support anyone else. That’s depressing. But then I have no right to criticise apparently if I don’t vote. I’ve never really understand that. I didn’t vote for Hitler, doesn’t mean I approve. I didn’t vote against Jedwood either, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit them with a shovel.
What’s depressing me further is due to all this electioneering we have to hear roving reports from some provincial nether-region of the UK. This is to find out what the man on the street thinks. Turns out he usually thinks it’s the IMMIGRANTS. It’s all their fault. Whatever IT is?
Is it really still their fault? Is it their fault MP’s diddled their expenses? Is it their fault the catholic priests diddled their congregation? And what does diddle even mean in this context? You don’t know? That’s immigration for you. If only there hadn’t been so many Poles at your school, your grasp of the vernacular would be so much better, right?
(by the way- grasping vernaculars isn’t refering to catholic priests again)
As I listen, it strikes me, it’s not the people who are coming here that’s the problem. It’s some of the people who are already here.
Banging on about ‘there ain’t no black on the union jack‘. Glad they’ve got such a firm grasp on the socio-economic situation. Since when did you have to be the colours of our flag to be British. In order to be British, you have to be red, white, and blue? Smurfs are red white and blue. These people are idiots.