The same is true in our lives. First impressions matter. [...]]]> The leaders of our three main parties are all on the war path to Downing Street. So their speeches, body language and media appearances are all being dissected for signs of anything fishy. Today’s politics it seems, is not about what is said, but how.

The same is true in our lives. First impressions matter. We really do judge a book by it’s cover. With that in mind I’ve laid out some suggestions for making a good impression when meeting people.

1. Hello. How are you?
Start simply with this, but be careful. They will probably reply, ‘Fine, how are you?’ Don’t think this is a opportunity to tell them. Nobody actually wants to know how you are, and it’s considered bloody rude to tell them. The correct response therefore is ‘fine’, or ‘good thanks‘. You might recently have had your arm torn off, it would still be ‘fine’. You might have a tumor the size of a mellon, on your face, it would still be ‘fine’. At a stretch it might be- ‘bearing up’ or ‘mustn’t grumble’
To avoid this, some of you might be tempted to say ‘How do you do?’ Don’t be a spaz, you’re not Oscar Wilde.

2. The Weather.
Now, you might want to mention the weather. This is perfectly acceptable. We Brits get accused of being obsessed with the weather. We’re not gathering meteorological data. It is a very good way to ease into a conversation. An American might go straight in-”Hi I’m Bob from Montana, got 3 kids, 2 ex-wives and 1 ball.” This is not acceptable. We need to be more reserved. “hello, I’m British, I shall be divulging personal data over the next 20 to 25 years. Turned out nice again.”

3. Where are you from?
Slowly you’re uncovering more information. You might now advance to ‘where are you from’. But advance with caution. Never ask ‘where do you live?’ It sounds stalkerish and rapey. As if you’re about to say “I know you do, right by that badly lit park.”

4. What do you do?
Use only when completely floundering for anything else to say. Many people simply don’t wish to be defined by their job. I hate being asked myself. “A comedian, wow I’d never have guessed!” I hate that, particularly at gigs.

More tomorrow on HANDSHAKING and HUGGING.

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‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,” Christ once said to the Apostles, as you well know! As with so much of his teaching, this seems to have got (mis)interpreted along the way.

If the Pope is going to pretend to apologize to us for paedophiles, as seen in the picture above, then could he [...]]]>

‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,” Christ once said to the Apostles, as you well know! As with so much of his teaching, this seems to have got (mis)interpreted along the way.

If the Pope is going to pretend to apologize to us for paedophiles, as seen in the picture above, then could he at least ask his face to play along.

“The papal nuncio in Dublin has used diplomatic immunity to refuse to collaborate in any investigations into clerical child sex abuse from a government-appointed commission. The Vatican refuses to permit it to co-operate with such a commission or to attend at a parliamentary committee meeting requested by members of the sovereign parliament of this state to discuss these issues.” (quoted from the Guardian)

Wow, that’s amazing! The Catholic Church can just tell the government it’s above the law! And yet I need a police check if I want to help with my daughter’s school swimming lessons.

What a wonderful world.

It has occured to me that the Vatican’s attitude to hiring paedophiles is pretty much the publics attitude towards climate change. They know damn well it’s happening, but it’s much more convenient to pretend it doesn’t.

Just got back from Sweden (minus 22 degrees anyone?). Nowhere near as much raping and pillaging as I was hoping for. And they don’t throws axes at busty wenches anymore. [...]]]> “Us? Oh we’ve only had a couple of peach snaps right boys?”

Just got back from Sweden (minus 22 degrees anyone?). Nowhere near as much raping and pillaging as I was hoping for. And they don’t throws axes at busty wenches anymore. Well no-one told me! My apologies again to Helena.

Despite that, I did some lovely shows in a beautiful old Stockholm theatre. I was on after Grease-The Musical. Everyone should hear Grease Lightning in swedish! superb!

One thing of note, those Swedes like a drink! Now we Brits like a drink of course, and Sweden is the only other place I’ve been where they drink as much as us. But interestingly, they pretend they don’t! We’re quite happy to embrace our alcoholism. We see a bloke staggering down the street with a traffic cone on his head, we don’t think what’s that buffoon doing? We think- there’s a man having a good night. Go about your business sir, safe trip home.

I tried to get into a nightclub in Stockholm. The security guard, who looked like a modern day Eric the Bastard or Olaf the Fudgepacker or ..well he looked mean and hard as a row across the Atlantic, asked how many drinks I’d had! I genuinely thought he was taking the mick. Loads!, I said, truthfully. Then he thought I was taking the mick. Are you drunk? he said. Of course, I said. It’s 2 in the morning. Why else would I be here?

Now you would never been asked that in the UK. You could be carried unconscious by your friends into a night club, the only thing security would say- he better not be wearing trainers!

I wonder if anyone asked the fallen Viking chiefs, as they entered Valhalla, drinking from the skulls of their vanquished emeny- How many of those have you had? Are you drunk?

Funny how times change.

The Pope, recently said Homosexuality is as bigger threat to humanity as the destruction of the rainforest!…No it isn’t. Not unless gay sex produces a lot more carbon monoxide than we previously imagined. In fairness, I’m not sure if it’s been fully researched- (I’ll happily do the lesbians.) What evidence does he have? is there [...]]]>

The Pope, recently said Homosexuality is as bigger threat to humanity as the destruction of the rainforest!…No it isn’t. Not unless gay sex produces a lot more carbon monoxide than we previously imagined. In fairness, I’m not sure if it’s been fully researched- (I’ll happily do the lesbians.) What evidence does he have? is there a growing hole in the ozone just above San Francisco. If that’s the case, we need to start replanting our homosexuals.

What’s the Pope got against homosexuality? In fact what’s gayer than an 82 year old bachelor in a white dress and beads talking latin? Might I suggest that religion is in fact, a bigger threat to humanity, causing wars, terrorism and hatred. What’s the worst thing homosexuality ever caused? Michael Portillo.

And while he was at it, the Pope condemned condom use in Africa. AGAIN! Why’s anyone even asking him? What’s he know about it? Bloody cheek to pretend he does. While you’re at it let’s get cancer cured by Ant+Dec.

How shall we deal with Aids in African? Well we could ask the medical and social experts working in the field, or an 82 year old virgin who literally lives in an ivory tower. What’s that your holiness? Every sperm is sacred…glad you’ve grasped the FACTS.

Perhaps the Pope could stick to the things he actually knows about, ie power, prejudice and Nazism.

If you read in the papers the Vatican had shares in pharmaceutical companies making anti-Aids drug, would you be surprised? Why else are they so keen on doing nothing to combat Aids except saying a few Hail Mary’s?
I know that’s ridiculous. That’d be like the Vatican re-instating Holocaust deniers. That’d be like the Vatican covering up paedophilia in it’s own ranks. That’d be like the Vatican colluded with Nazis to save their own skin. That’d be like the Vatican bank still holding millions of dollars of Nazi gold….hmmm?

Obviously you’d have to read it in a broadsheet. The Sun aren’t running that headline! You try getting a pun rhyming with pharmaceutical.