DARK MATTERS WITH PARTICLES

Hurray! It’s been broken down for 18 months, but today, The Cern Hadron Collider is back open! Sounds like an advert for Alton Towers. I wish it was, it would have been a lot cheaper and a lot more fun. For £6billion we humans have built a machine that smashes 2 balls together at the speed of light. This apparently recreates conditions just after the big bang. I once smashed my 2 balls together at about the speed of sound. (The sound wasn’t pleasant). This recreated conditions that if you paid me £6 billion I wouldn’t do again.

But for £6 billion they get to find ‘dark matter’. They could find dark matter on youporn.com for free. As computer geeks, I’m surprised they don’t already know that. Clearly a sign that there are too many women now in science! (that’s a joke- women are welcome to science).

I’m sure all this is very important, but as I am currently having problems travelling by train to Manchester at Easter at the speed of 100mph, I’m finding it difficult to celebrate. Particularly when I paid just under £6 billion for the ticket. And there’ll probably be a collision, explosion or a breakdown.

I’m being cynical. We need to shoot things at things for that will unlock the secrets of the universe? Sounds like American foreign policy. Sounds like something they’d do on Top Gear. Hey! Let’s shoot a bus at a Toyota Prius and see what happens! I know what will happen, they’ll be a big bang, and Jeremy Clarkson will say something racist.
One of the secrets of the universe I’d like unlocking, is how he has a career on tv. I digress. Good luck in Cern boys. Go figure it all out and let us know when you’re done.