About

I lost all 3 of my parents at an early age when they leapt from a hot air balloon wearing parakeets. They weren’t dislexic, they were idiots. Only my father left a good-bye note saying he would miss us all. Sadly this proved not to be the case when he landed smack bang on top of my elder brother. But enough of the frivolities, I should tell you about me. I’m in my 30’s, I do comedy and I have a 5 year old daughter. Miracle oh miracle. I made a baby with my penis. Previously I had made nothing with my penis except a mess and some rudementary animal shapes. But now I am a father, I have to teach her about life. Difficult right? Because for a child the world is a place of wonder, of dreams. And people say to you when you’re young, “follow your dreams”….But as you get older you realise they don’t mean it. They mean, “get a job”. That’s the trouble. Dreams are like children, if you follow them too long people get suspicious. I should know I’ve been doing it for years…… that’s a joke…get it…before you press the ‘report this’ button you little snitch. Firstly, there isn’t one, this isn’t facebook and secondly, it’s a joke, that’s what I do, remember?

your mother

comedy, films, table-tennis, painting, looking at people’s my space photos and wondering if they are really as attractive in person, running, navel gazzing, wondering what cd to put on. Everything else is nonsense.

Bob Marley, Toots, The Slackers, The Skatalites, Don Drummond, Studio One, Horace Andy, King tubby, Lee Scratch Perry, Prince Buster, The Specials, The Clash, The Damned, The Cure, Jane’s Addiction, Fishbone, The Pogues, Tom waits, Nick Cave, G-Love and Special Sauce, Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, Green Day, Blondie, The Hives, Nirvana, Porno For Pyros, The Pixies, The Beastie Boys, Beck, Brand Nubian, Public Enemy, Run DMC, The Buzzcocks,Dead Kennedys, Dexy’s Midnight runners, The Fall, can you tell I got bored and am just reading of my favs from my i-pod, The Goats, Gogol Bordello, Howlin’ Wolf, Incubus, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Hendrix, Joan as Policewoman, Juliette and the Licks, Lord tanamo, Louis Prima, My Feds, The Nods, Public Image Ltd, The Ramones, Rocket from the Crypt, Roland Alphonso, The Stooges, Iggy of course, Supergrass, Tommy McCook, Urban Dance Squad,

Young Guns 1, Down by Law, Life of Brian, Don’t Look Now, Robert Altman films, Kubrick films, the Scorscese ones where he has real men killing real men, carry On Screaming, Animal House, Withnail and I, Snatch, Fight Club, American History X, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Punch Drunk Love( if you didn’t love it you’re a twat), anything with Pacino in it, and Christian Bale and Robert Downey Jr, Pink Panther, What’s New PussyCat, Manhatten, Hannah and Her Sisters, Annie Hall, Me, My friends and Everyone I know, Sideways, Young Guns 1, Heat, La Haine, Delicatessen, oh that’l do, I’m boring myself.

I only ever watch CSI, which I watch religiously every tuesday. I don’t have time for anything else.

kurt Vonnegut, Tom Robbins, Ian McEwan, Will Self, Evellyn Waugh, Tintin, Asterix, that’s about it I’m dyslexic, thanks for flagging it up.

Geoff Pattison, my painting tutor at Northumbria University, a saint and an inspiration to everyone he meets.